I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
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My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8