Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.