Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.