I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
