Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

the clam before the storm

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.