Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

ㅤ

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.