I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
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Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.