Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

This is amazing.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

Whoever coined the term coined the term coined the term coined the term

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

😲 WTF? 😆

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing