Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

😂

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

i love modern commerce

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.