i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review