Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

You’re not my real can

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Simple enough.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling