@That_Damn_Duck

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

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@ericspeaksout

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

@MandiAtRandom

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

@Playing_Dad

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

@pertyy_

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

@Marlebean

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

@KentWGraham

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

@DanKCharnley

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

@sarcasticmommy4

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.