I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.