I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

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Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.


“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light


When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail


I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.


Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.


I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.


Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.


I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.