@That_Damn_Duck
@theshamingofjay
Life’s a piano and I’m wearing boxing gloves
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@theshamingofjay
@ericspeaksout
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
@MandiAtRandom
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
@Playing_Dad
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
@pertyy_
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
@Marlebean
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
@KentWGraham
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
@DanKCharnley
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
@sarcasticmommy4
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.