I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
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[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.