i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*names my little horse OneTrick*
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano