i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
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The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Florida be like…
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up