Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!