Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

reminder