I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.