I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
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BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?