MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!