I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

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[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!


Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me


Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*


Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually


[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look


Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.


DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.


I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.


Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.


Act now and we will double your order of crap!