@copymama

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

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@SteveSuckington

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

@bartandsoul

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

@Gupton68

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

@Angibangie

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

@nbadag

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

@Darlainky

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

@EmberToAsh

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

@PatsATweetin

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

@sweetg35

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

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