I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
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ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
damn he’s good
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
No regrets in 2018
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.