I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos


Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!


Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.


I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]


Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”


My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.


What did watching Cinderella teach us?


It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.


“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?


(I begin to cry)