@copymama

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

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@ashmensch

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

@SLorenzen62

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

@aka_fatman

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

@stevevsninjas

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

@CantEven101

Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”

@turtledumplin

My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.

@3sunzzz

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

@Marlebean

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)