Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

me irl

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.