Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

This is my brand.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.