Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”