I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
