I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?