Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

A fake ID that makes you younger

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil