Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

August 8

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming