Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.