I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.