I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.