Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.