Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

Friend: OMG, someone wrote “Wash Me B*tch!” on your car!

Me: Oh, I wrote that as a reminder to myself.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said