“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me: which friend
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.
#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I burned 1000 calories by lighting my arm on fire
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what