@HatfieldAnne

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

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@stephenjmolloy

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

@ClichedOut

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

@RunOldMan

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

@clichedout

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

@dave_cactus

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

@hansabumsadaisy

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

@squirrel74wkgn

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

@DogGoing

A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.

@DrCephalopod

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what