I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport