I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.