I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR