“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?