Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle