Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.