Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

Tastes like chicken.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

What?!?

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

When a shoelace touches your ankle

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.