I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
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I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
then why did i get this email
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.