Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.