I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
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Always leave the cult better than you found it.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Oh, I bet you would be
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird