I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
You Might Also Like
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span