Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him