Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

I got bills

They’re multiplying

Born to be mild.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*