I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
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Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.