I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Bill is short for Billiam
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*