I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Ugh
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
me refusing to leave twitter
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that