I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
You Might Also Like
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
