Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

sweet dreams💖

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.