I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
good let them take over I have had enough
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Smile they said.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing