I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
You Might Also Like
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.