I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
what’s more important?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.