Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy