Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

pep talk

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath