Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

not to brag, but mine was free

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.