I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
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I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.