Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

What’s a Messi?

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.