I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me too door. Me too.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
kids play hide and seek like
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*