Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

(Musicians.)

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

Only Americans understand

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.