I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.