I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking