Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

calling in to work dehydrated

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed