I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
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I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.