I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
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H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money