I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
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lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Morning my dudes.
Am I having a stroke?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?